


A Light Orange Sky

by Oya_oya_I_cri



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, References to Depression, Self-Indulgent, bro it sounds bad but it's not that sad until near the end, plz gintama fandom give me more shinpachi content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 09:34:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20486711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oya_oya_I_cri/pseuds/Oya_oya_I_cri
Summary: With the sky a navy blue, the stars twinkling in his beloved city, and the leaves on soft, red and orange trees being blown away by the wind, Shinpachi awoke.





	A Light Orange Sky

**Author's Note:**

> To all my Shinpachi lovers, this is for you! At the same time, I'm very sorry this is all you get, my writing is very underdeveloped and this was mainly a self-indulgent passion project. Been writing essays mainly lol
> 
> I wish there were more Shinpachi centered fics, he's such an interesting character to me. My favorite in Gintama. If anyone wants to write a shinpachi centered fic, plz do so, we're starving!
> 
> Anywho, this takes place after the Yagyuu Clan arc but the references are minor, so no major spoilers. I'm only on episode 102 lol
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

With the sky a navy blue, the stars twinkling in his beloved city, and the leaves on soft, red and orange trees being blown away by the wind, Shinpachi awoke.

He sat up and stared blankly in front of him. Without his glasses everything was just a blurry mess, and in the dark even worse. But he couldn't be bothered to put them on. Not being able to see provided some semblance of comfort, in a sense.

He felt it. It was one of those days. Which, he unfortunately has been having quite often these past few weeks… or maybe not. In an anime, the concept of time is thrown out the window and is only invited back for time skips.

The walls were enveloping him and surrounding him. It was dark but not chilly. The dark was warm, in fact. Very relaxing.

Was it worth moving? Could he not lie in bed for just one day with nothing to do? Because his arms felt heavy. Too heavy to lift up, as if there were 2 gorillas laying on them. Or Kondos. He hasn't seen Kondo in a while actually, but he's probably still stalking his sister at work. Or the Shinsengumi. What were they up to?

Everything felt calm and slow. He was sleepy and his eyes were droopy. Moving wasn't worth it.

However, as the sky began to form into a lighter shade of blue, the sun bursting into his room, his feet got tired of squirming around. The darkness of the room was no longer wrapped around him, and so he yawned, picked up his glasses, and started his day.

"KAGURA-! I told you not to eat that. It was expired," 

"Ugghh… why'd you leave it in the fridge then?! The fridge is supposed to have good food…"

"You can't eat everything in the fridge! I haven't had the time and it isn't garbage day yet, it would stink- NO NOT HERE!"

Shinpachi dropped his duster and scurried away to find a bucket before Kagura emptied out her lunch on the carpet. Gintoki paid them no mind, casually laying on the couch reading JUMP. He just piped in with a "Ahh teenagers," All in all, a regular midday at Gin-San's Yorozuya with no clients.

Of course, he didn't make it in time to stop a little bit of it falling onto the carpet. But he did managed to salvage most of it. He groaned and went to get a glass of water 

It was nasty and yellow, staining the dark carpet with various chunks. Objectively disgusting. Just looking at it made him want to gag, and smelling it feel and unreasonable amount of anger and he was sickened. Although not towards the food, the stain, and definitely not Kagura. 

"Uwaa… Gin-Chan, my stomach hurts… I need to eat." She quickly drank the water despite his protests for her to slow down.

Gintoki turned towards them with a lazy stare and his mouth turned downward. He sat still before sighing and walking over to pick Kagura up.

"You need to read the dates, Kagura. Like how I read the calendar to know when it's Monday, it's important!"

She was given a piggy back ride, arms tightly wound around him and her face in her neck. She looked tired and pale.

"Oi, don't go falling asleep, you leech! And I can smell your breath, you need to brush your teeth."

They walked out the door, presumably do go down to Otose's for some remedies. "Shinpachi, we'll be back. Clean this mess up, will ya? We don't want Sadaharu to eat it, then we'll have two sick dogs to take care of."

"Who're you calling a frog?! I'm a tiger!"

The door was shut softly. Shinpachi stared at it for a few seconds.

Despite cleaning for about half an hour, the Yorozuya was still dirty. He swept and washed, dusted and scrubbed, but it still looked grimey and ugly. With Gintoki and Kagura living there it was of course going to be messy but it never felt clean to him. Maybe he's just overthinking it and maybe keeping the room a little bit dirty isn't so bad. Makes it feel more homey for clients. Yet he knew he just isn't working hard enough or moving fast enough. His arms still felt like anchors. 

He should get to cleaning the carpet before the stain becomes harder to get rid of.

So he did that for several minutes before feeling dissatisfied. It was just not coming out! So he scrubbed harder. Poured the strongest of chemicals they had (which wasn't very strong, Kagura and Sadaharu lived there after all) and scrubbed so hard he could barely track his own hand. But he could still see the mark, and in fact, it appeared to grow larger! Honestly, what kind of blasphemy is this? 

"Next time I'm getting the food in the back of the freezer," he said with a grumble and his arm started shaking from scrubbing too much. Which was embarrassing; what samurai's arm shakes from scrubbing too much?

Eventually though he sat there. Blinking slowly. The stain was mocking. It wasn't even that noticeable really, just very irritating. Exactly like an itch that won't go away.

With a frown he shook his head and stood up to put his supplies away. Gintoki and Kagura would be back soon.

One day, it began to rain at noon. A little weird during the fall, but it happens. It was the kind of rain that made one drowsy and lethargic. Shinpachi would say it provided solace, the soft pitter-patter and occasional plop of the rain was a sound that helped him sleep better. Kagura and Sadaharu appeared to agree. She snored and he snoozed and dreamed away, both under the safety and warmth of the kotatsu. He wouldn't say the same for Gintoki though.

The silver haired man looked a bit more blue. He blankly stared outside the window, watching the rain drop drop drop. It wasn't the first time this had happened. Shinpachi didn't think he was really thinking of anything; just stuck in a state of reminiscing about a time long ago.

Shinpachi himself was feeling pretty okay. But seeing Gintoki in that way… his fish eyes were becoming more empty and dead by the second. More eight than silver! And it was not good.

What could he do in this situation? No clients, it was raining too much, and he was Shinpachi. But if there was one thing that calmed him down and helped him think, it was a nice drink.

He stood up, choosing to neglect Gintoki's lack of reaction and movement towards him, and went to make some tea. Because they were broke and it was easy to add in sugar he went with black tea.

The water boiled and the kettle hissed. He poured the water into a cup with the teabag in. Moved it up and down. 

Up and down it went. Slowly contaminating the clear water into a black void.

When he was done with practically dumping the entire bag of sugar into the cup, he made some for himself and went back to the kotatsu, setting the tray down. Gintoki was still gone.

Shinpachi didn't know too much about Gintoki's past. Eventually he supposed he will, but it was a mystery somewhat unsolved. How could someone as goofy and irresponsible as Gintoki fought in such a war? And come out with an outlook on life so hopeful Shinpachi could only dream of ever having? Gintoki may be a huge doofus and practically endorses child labor… but he was still a good man.

As he turned towards the window, he could see how one could get lost in the repetitive view of the rain. Softly humming to himself, Shinpachi drank his tea and slid Gintoki's towards him.

"Are you even still human… your mother is a *BEEP*..."

Ahh, Otsuu-Chan. He couldn't get her songs out of his head! What art, what a masterpiece. 

"That mole of yours is a bit light, isn't it? Ne-Ne-Ne-Ne-Necromancer!"

His humming turned into quiet singing. He didn't understand why people thought his singing was terrible, it's not that bad. What really caught his eye, however, was Gintoki slightly facing his head towards Shinpachi.

"Ah! Gin-San, I made some tea. Lots of sugar and cream, just like how you like it," Shinpachi said, gesturing to his tea. Gintoki made no move to pick it up. That was fine. 

"That mole of yours, I can see hair growing out of it! This mole of mine…"

He continued his tirade of blowing out everyone's eardrums in the room (supposedly). Gintoki wasn't drinking his tea, but he was at least moving more, losing his thousand yard stare with every passing second.

Shinpachi could understand. The smell of tea is enough some days to distract him from whatever plight he's having and to calm down, whether it be avoiding Otose or working with clients. Although he wasn't dealing with any trauma, he hoped it could achieve a similar effect.

After a couple minutes, his "terrible" singing woke Kagura up.

"Shinpaaachiii, shut up!" She tried to punch him in the arm but was too far away. She paused before angrily waving her fist in the air, still lying on the floor. "Come over here so I can beat you up!"

"You need to appreciate Otsuu's singing! Her lyrics are super empowering, and the message they relay-"

"Gin-Chan, do you hear him?" She said, and sniffed the air. "Hey, I want some sugar. Shinpachi, make some sukonbu."

"What?! I can't just make sukonbu! Sukonbu isn't even sweet, it's bitter, where did you get it from?"

"Connect the dots!"

"That's not how that works."

They continued to argue, before they heard a hutf, and soft laughter. Gintoki was chuckling, and when he opened his eyes, they were slowly filling with life. Kagura's voice called him back!

"Gin-San!"

"Gin-Chan, we can make sukonbu at home, right?"

The perm head rested his head in his hand, yawned, and took a sip from his tea. "This tea is great, Shinpachi. And we could make sukonbu, if you didn't eat everything, we could have the ingredients."

"But there's so much! And we need space in the fridge."

Kagura scooted over next to him, invading his personal space as he protested. "And Gin-Chan, me and Soyo were thinking of going to the pond tomorrow. She says…"

As she babbled away, Gintoki started to act more like himself, sarcastic comments and hints of meaningful advice weaving in between his words. His eyes became lifelike again, a certain calmness that wasn't there before. He smiled as Kagura began listing what she would do with her friend. She was looking at him with wide eyes and admiration clear on her face, looking for his approval. As if he were her whole world. Her hands were waving around when describing everything, and she was snuggled up close to him. And Sadaharu was still sound asleep through it all, his white fur rising up and down. They were a very cute trio.

Shinpachi sat back and drank his tea. It was quite bitter. Maybe he should get some food out too. But he wasn't feeling very hungry. He was content with just sipping away.

With the sky a denim blue, the stars shining in his home city, and the leaves falling off the trees into a pile of colors, Shinpachi awoke.

He slowly sat up and stared blankly yet again. Everything was still a blurry mess. But he couldn't be bothered to put them on. It was one of those days again, the third day in a row, which was unfortunate.

The dark was warm, and the bright glare of the sun and the outside world was cold. The walls were tight, almost claustrophobic. But so very nice too.

Could he not lay in bed? Just today. He's already gotten up two days in a row, can't the world give him a break? Who even thought it was socially acceptable to work this many hours a week? Shouldn't he be in school? Oh, yeah, it was the debt.

As much as he loved the Yorozuya and the adventures (mishaps) they go on, he's kinda tired. He was having a pretty nice dream… him and Otsuu hanging out…

However, as the sky began to form into a lighter shade of blue, and the sun barged into his room, his hands got bored of running up and down his arms. The darkness of the room was pulled away from him, and so he rubbed his eyes, picked up his glasses, and started his day.

It began to get colder outside, with winter making it's arrival slowly. The snow lightly falling from the sky was very relaxing. Shinpachi thought the snow was fine, he mainly liked the atmosphere. And the fact that he could wear his favorite scarf.

Once he arrived at the Yorozuya, Kagura immediately ran up to him, beanie and boots on, gloves in hand, and a wide grin across her face.

"Shinpachi! It's snowing!"

"Yes, I see."

"I was gonna go out with Gin-Chan but he's too busy reading JUMP. Can you help me build a Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong Cannon?" She said, sliding her gloves on casually.

"Wh- you mean a *BEEP*? No!"

"It's not a *BEEP*, it's a Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong Cannon."

So they went outside. Kabukichō seemed to be bursting with life, with children having snowball fights, and adults watching and chatting away.

While he was reluctant to partake in the creation of the "Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong Cannon", Kagura was just too excited. And he wanted to build a snowman.

After lots of struggling…

"Pachi, you have to push it forward! No, wait, go left. We're not gonna hit the stand don't worry. Yeah, yeah, keep going! Wait, slow down, how do we slow down, Shinpachi!"

And lots of yelling… 

"Kagura-Chan, how did you get that kid stuck in the ball."

"I was rolling it, and he was in the way, and I told him to move but he didn't. So I did what I had to do. For Armstrong."

"He's gonna get hypothermia! He's crying. And his parents can't hear him! Oh my gosh."

They were finally able to create two balls for the *BEEP* (no matter what Kagura says). While rolling another one for his snowman, she stopped in her tracks and asked him a question.

"Can we do this again tomorrow?"

Shinpachi froze. "Uh, yeah, that's fine."

"Oh, okay." She stared at him.

"... Why do you ask."

"I don't know, I just wanted to make sure. We can ask Gin-Chan to help, and Boss, and even that witch Otose!"

Shinpachi didn't think it was especially important that they make another one, nor did he think it was necessary for Kagura to ask.

They finished the "canon" and Kagura stared at it proudly, turning to face him with that same grin from earlier.

For all her mishaps and mistakes, Kagura was such a joy to be around. She was basically his younger sister. She worked so hard to improve herself, learn about the world, and become a better person. Even if she can be a lot to handle sometimes, he's not sure what he would do without her.

Looking at the cannon, he found out he didn't like it very much.

He put on his best smile, and Kagura went to get Gintoki and show him their creation. They never finished that snowman.

Coming home to their large, empty dojo and seeing Otae at this time was a rare sight Shinpachi didn't experience often most days. Even when he came home early.

He was sure she didn't hear him, for he didn't announce his arrival. No one was home most of the time anyway, but he skipped doing so that day because _man_, was it a long day.

Peeking through the doorway, he found her in their father's old room, softly speaking to an old picture of him and his mother.

"Oh, Papa, work yesterday was the same as ever! I swear, that gorilla never gives up. I really am going to melt his bones and give them to his enemies one day."

Ah, she was talking about Kondo. Good to know- well, not good, but fine to know he was still the same old gorilla!

"I like my coworkers, though. And did I tell you Kyuu-Chan came back? I probably did, but I'm really happy she's back. We're going to go out for lunch some day, but I don't know when yet."

He quietly sat on the floor, still listening in.

"Mama, sorry I haven't talked to you in a while. Shin-Chan is still working with Gintoki and Kagura. He goes everyday and he looks like he's having fun, but I wonder if he's actually learning anything! Seriously, that Gintoki is a troublemaker. I like Kagura though! She's very feisty, but with her being an Amanto it's no surprise.

I don't know how long it's going to take to get our dojo back and up and running, but I'm excited for the time when we can finally do it! I think we're steadily earning money, and by we I mean me, because Gintoki does not pay Shin-Chan and Kagura! What a terrible boss. I'm going to shape up Shin-Chan in order to lead everyone… even if he doesn't want to." She stopped briefly.

He clenched his fists.

"I miss you, Mama. It's been a long time, but the snippets I remember… you, me, and Papa going to the park, and seeing an Amanto for the first time was-"

"Ah, Ane-ue?" Shinpachi knocked on the door. "Are you home?"

She fumbled around before appearing at the door. "Hi, Shin-Chan, welcome home. I didn't hear you come in!"

"Ahaha, I didn't think you were home… anyway, you're still here, that's a rare sight."

She laughed, eyes shut, covering her mouth. "I figured it's been awhile since we were able to even see each other this late, and stayed back to say goodbye. My boss won't mind." She waved her hands.

"Ah, yeah." Shinpachi's eyes drifted.

"Shin-Chan, you know you can tell me when something's wrong, right? I'm here for you."

Otae opened her eyes, her face settling on a warm look. A false, warm look.

"Of course, Ane-ue."

When she said her goodbyes and left with a wave, he walked back into the room where his parent's shrine was. He fell to his knees, adopting a dogeza position, and began to silently weep, only muttering apologies.

"Please… mother… I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Papa, please, forgive me."

And as time passed by, he finally sat up, eyes puffy and red and nose stuffy. But nothing in him changed. He could not be forgiven for what he did to his family, no matter how hard he tried. If he wasn't born, his mother would still be here. If he wasn't born, his father could keep the dojo open. If he wasn't born, his sister would inherit the dojo she loved so much. 

Alas, he was so _very_ selfish. If he wasn't born, none of this would've happened, but he wants to be here. He doesn't want to leave, even though he doesn't deserve to be here. In this dingy, dark room. So selfish that Gintoki would be proud of it.

He wiped his nose, and crawled into bed, throwing his glasses somewhere. It'll be okay, he was fine. He'll find them in the morning.

In the beginning of the year, about February, Shinpachi baked a cake. A client requested one for her son's birthday.

Cooking and baking had been things he had to do as a child (less he died of poisoning) but liked them anyway, so it wasn't that big of a deal. 

With Gintoki around, he was able to cut down on his time spent doing these, but it was still enjoyable.

… Is what he would've said. At this point in time, he had a lack of interest in baking and cooking. He chalked it up to the weather (despite it becoming warmer outside).

He wasn't even listening to Otsuu as much anymore. That's fine, though, it's just his mood. He still loved her.

The cake was simple: One layer, vanilla with white frosting, and red and blue swirls on the sides.

However, the cake was a mess. The swirls were uneven, and the frosting on top isn't smooth enough. It didn't even taste that good, but going through the trouble of baking another one wasn't worth it.

Trying to ignore it, he picked up the frosting… thing, and began to write the text in the middle. "Happy Birthday!"

Which would surely bring his spirits up.

Carefully moving his arm and bringing his face close to the cake, he was able to finish "Happy", even though it looked pretty pathetic.

He got to "Birthday", and his glasses fell off his face and onto the cake with a plop.

He halted.

Really? Really? The words were smudged and his glasses were dirty. Seriously? Is he that incompetent?

The cake was ruined. He couldn't redo the words without adding another layer of white frosting, but it would still look terrible anyway, and he couldn't even see without his glasses because they're dirty and if he cleaned them and tried again they would fall off his face again so there was no point in even doing anything with this cake anymore and the client would be disappointed but he couldn't do anything.

Good job, Shinpachi.

Shinpachi picked up his glasses, put them gently on the counter, and slammed his fist into the cake.

The frosting flew everywhere and onto his face, and everything was blurry.

It was so hard. He wanted to just pick it up and hurl it out the window. Why can't he do anything? Not even bake a cake?!

He heard footsteps before the door was pulled open and Gintoki and Kagura waltzed in.

"There you are Shinpachi, we've been looking for-" Gintoki paused after seeing the scene in front of him. "...you."

"Shinpachi?" Kagura asked, taking two steps forward.

Shinpachi didn't take his eyes off the cake, ruined by his dirty hands.

Gintoki watched him, while Kagura tried to get him to talk.

"Shinpachi, what are you doing with your hand in that cake? Is that for the client?"

He stayed silent.

She slowly walked forward. "Look, it's still in good condition! We can make another one for them. I bet Otose and Catherine would love to-"

"Please leave."

She stopped. "What?"

"Go away."

Kagura frowned and her voice came out shaky. "Um, we don't have to eat it, we'll help you clean it up."

"Kagura," Gintoki's voice rang out.

"It's okay, we can-"

"I said," Shinpachi picked up his other hand and slammed it into the counter, and spat out, "LEAVE."

His words hung in the air.

He deflated. "Please…"

Shinpachi wasn't sure of what exactly happened next, but Gintoki said Kagura's name, and before he knew it, they were gone.

Still staring at the cake, he focused on the word "Happy".

He threw the cake away and wiped his face. Picking up his glasses, he threw them in the sink and poured water over them. Not bothering to wipe them off, he slid them on. Cleaning his hands, he put all his supplies away.

And he walked home, ignoring everything and everyone around him.

With the sky a light azure blue, the stars nowhere to be seen in his city, and the trees full of buds, Shinpachi awoke.

He laid still and stared blankly at the ceiling. Nothing was clear. He couldn't move.

The dark was warm, and the bright glare of the sun and the outside world was cold. The walls were tight.

He didn't want to move. There was no point. Even if he did, he couldn't. Moving his arms, his whole body up, was too exhausting. The thought of even trying to get to the bathroom was enough to make him tired.

As the sky stayed stagnant, and the sun barged into his room, he was awake. Kabukichō was alive, but the same could hardly be said for himself. He closed his eyes, became stagnant, and went back to sleep.

A few minutes (hours?) later, his sister walked into his room.

"Shin-Chan?" 

After getting no response, she walked over to him and bent down. He forced his eyes open, and saw her with her hair down her shoulders. She looked like she had just woken up. 

"What are you doing? You're late for work." He made no movement, and she frowned. "What's wrong?"

"My… stomach hurts." He croaked. It wasn't exactly a lie- his stomach and head hurt.

She left the room, and came back with an apple. "Maybe you're hungry. I didn't make anything yet, but hopefully it helps."

Unfortunately, he wasn't very hungry. The apple won't be wasted, hopefully.

When he told his sister this, she just frowned again, but stood up and didn't force him like she usually would. 

"Alright, I'll tell Gin-San you're not feeling well…"

Otae came back soon after, and handed him his MP3. "Listen to music for a bit, I'll make us some lunch!"

No response.

"Okay, I'll get to it,"

As she left, he clicked on and Otsuu song and listened for a bit. Then, the MP3 was thrown somewhere in the room with a furious shriek and he started crying. It's fine. 

He was fine.

Eventually, at one point or another, Shinpachi's able to pull himself out of bed which much difficulty. His legs shook as he stood up, and he had to steady himself using the wall.

Otae was gone by this point, having to leave earlier today because of a shortage of staff, bidding him adieu.

Stumbling his way along, he reaches the kitchen and collapses into a chair. It was incredibly _draining_ for him to even get here. It felt like the hardest thing he'd ever done and had to experience. Fighting the Yagyu Clan, working at his dead-end job before Gintoki, his father's passing, and even forcing his sister's food down his throat. None of these could compare. 

It was a good thing his sister wasn't home, because he didn't want to talk to anyone.

The silence dangled in the air like a cloud in the sky. 

What day was it again? Month? Is it almost Kagura's birthday? Oh yeah, Kagura and Gintoki.

The day felt like an eternity, and the ones before a lifetime ago, and the ones to come just an added infinity.

It was weird, because he couldn't remember or even think of a reason as to _why_ he's feeling this way. Sure, he hadn't exactly had the most model childhood, and his teenage years thus far were hectic to say the least. But Kagura has suffered through much worse than him, and she's fine. They're near the same age. Gintoki has his moments and… episodes. But he has a reason, being a war veteran and all.

And his sister as well. She's been through so much. Kyuubei, too. Do any of the Shinsengumi experience this feeling? Is it normal to feel this way in the first place?

He started crying. Again. 

Eating would probably be a good idea at this point, but his appetite was pretty much gone.

Besides, he doubted he had enough energy to make food _and_ go back to bed.

It felt like he ran a marathon before he arrived in bed. All of his spoons were gone, then.

By the time he fell into bed and was able to pull the covers tight around him, the stars were high in the sky.

On his third day (from what Otae told him) of… his state, Gintoki, Kagura, and Sadaharu appeared around noon.

He only knew it was noon because shortly before they arrived his sister announced her departure to the store and told him the time. Plus, he couldn't really see the sun. Too high up.

When they arrived, it was with loud noises and fast footsteps, barely calling out they're arrival before yanking the door open. It was Kagura who did so, and broke the door.

"Ah… hi, Shinpachi!" She said, tossing the door aside and falling beside him on his left. "You've been taking too many sick days, so we brought you some soup."

"Yo," Gintoki held up a bag, and he gave Shinpachi a smile.

Sadaharu greeted him as well, with a small bark, and settled down on his right, licking his face.

"Ah, hello…"

Gintoki sat next to Sadaharu and opened up the bag, while Kagura helped Shinpachi to sit up.

"You know, this soup was super hard to make. Kagura kept trying to sneak some and feed it to Sadaharu. Not only that, but it doesn't taste that good. I'm not the best with soup, Pattsuan, you need to teach me your recipes." He ruffled Shinpachi's hair.

"I'm… not very hungry right now, Gin-San."

Gintoki halted and blinked at him with an unreadable expression.

"Well that's fine. Everyone's got their own pace."

"Actually… could you guys leave right now? I don't want you to get sick, and Ane-ue is coming home soon." He was a bit irritated.

Kagura whined. "But we just got here! And I haven't seen Boss in a while-" 

Gintoki reached over and pinched her cheek. "Now now Kagura," and said nothing else.

She tried to swat his hand away, and they got into a small fight. In front of Shinpachi. Because of-

He started to sniffle. Then the tears ran down his face. Then he began to sob.

They balked, and looked at each other in horror. 

"I… I- I just…"

As he continued his pity fest, Gintoki tried to console him by explaining it wasn't his fault, while Kagura was hurriedly running her hands through his hair in an attempt of comfort.

It barely helped, but help it still did, and he stopped after a few minutes. Wiping and covering his face.

"Shinpachi…" Kagura said, unusually not berating him.

"Shinpachi," Gintoki beckoned his attention and stared him in the eye. "What's really the matter?"

As much as he wanted to answer that, he didn't know. He didn't understand why he didn't feel like eating, or why he was crying all the time, or how he wanted to punch something, someone, anything! Why it felt like nothing he did would change anything or help anyone, or why the world felt bleak and hopeless, or why he didn't want to listen to Otsuu-Chan anymore. Why he didn't want to be around people he loves, whether it be in fear of being a burden or just not wanting to associate with anyone. Why he felt all of this and even though he knew he deserved all of it, he didn't want to disappear or leave everyone behind. Why he felt like a coward in the best of times and a loose cannon in the worst, because his name didn't even show up when you looked up Gintama! Even though he was one of the deuteragonists!

"Oh," Gintoki breathed.

"I said that out loud?" Shinpachi said in disbelief.

"Yeah," Kagura blew out.

"Arf," Sadaharu barked.

The Yorozuya did not speak for quite sometime after Shinpachi's rather long and personal confession. Gintoki, of course, was the first to shatter the silence.

"You're pretty brave for admitting that,"

"Huh?" Shinpachi hesitated, but stared up at the man in surprise.

Gintoki smiled softly in return. "Yeah. Being a teenager in a world like this when no one wants to admit their weaknesses and problems. You proved you're stronger than you think by just talking."

Kagura agree instantly, nodding her head. "All the boys I know are always crying and blaming someone else for things! You cry but own up for stuff, even if it doesn't make sense and isn't your fault, because you're Shinpachi."

Shinpachi almost believed them before remembering he was Shinpachi. "You're just saying that…" He said with a strained smile.

"Hey," Gintoki gently knocked his fist against the side of Shinpachi's head. "We're the Yorozuya. We won't lie for no reason."

"Mhm!"

"It always harder before it gets better, even if it feels it never will. Your future is not set in stone; rather moldable mud. You can change and mold it, and become a person you can be proud of. And we'll join and laugh with you along the way.

When you think the world is bleak, at the very least, we'll be there to put some color in when you can't."

Shinpachi was in awe. What was he supposed to say to that?

Kagura spoke this time. "We love you Shinpachi, just the way you are! Silly, otaku, megane Shinpachi. But if you want to change we'll help you for sure,"

Gintoki and Kagura wore matching grins, full of love and support. Sadaharu continued to lick his cheek and wrapped his body around Shinpachi's, like an extra blanket.

"I… I don't know how to… fix this. Or what to do. It's so hard, Gin-San, it's so hard to even move."

Gintoki ruffled his hair again and pulled him close. "We got your back,"

Kagura joined in on their group hug and squeezed him tightly. "Yeah, we got you!"

And while at that time Shinpachi found it hard to believe anything could change how he was feeling, he still wanted to put his faith in them. In the Yorozuya.

He glanced at the soup, took in a deep, shaky breath, and picked it up. He opened it, let its smell reach him, and hesitated to pick up his spoon.

Gintoki took his hand and guided it towards it, slow and steady.

Shinpachi took one last look at the soup, before looking up towards his family, and dipping the spoon in. When he finally took a sip, he'd say it was one of his most fulfilling moments. 

He could confidently say that he'll be fine.

On a pleasant Spring morning, Shinpachi sat outside the Yorozuya, watching strangers walk by. It was quite strange, but relaxing. It was pretty this time of year.

Otose had just ordered some new wine and alcohol for the shop, and he had just finished helping her unload (partially out of the goodness of his heart and partially so she would soften up and let them get away with rent for this month).

Gintoki sneaked some beer when Otose wasn't looking, and before anyone could stop him he was drunk off his ass like it was a night out with Madao. Kagura tried as well, but Otose tricked her into thinking her orange juice was a cocktail, and she pretended to lie on the floor drunk. Catherine tried too, but she was swiftly smacked on the back of her head and also laid on the floor, albeit with a bit of blood.

There were no clients today. Just hanging out with everyone on one of their off days. It was nice.

He felt nice.

They went out to watch a movie once, about a trio of homeless as they set out to find a baby's parents on Halloween, but he turned out to be the devil. It was really… something.

As soon as they walked out, Kagura put her 3D glasses back on and pretended to be a movie critic.

"Oi oi oi, what was that?" She shook her head, sighing. "That twist at the end ruined all the suspense!"

"My, my," a deeper voice added in a similar fashion. It was Gintoki, who also had his glasses on. "What was the director thinking of putting a scene with the homeless man in the movie? These millennials have no idea what they're doing."

"Millennials." Shinpachi deadpanned.

"You'll understand when you're older." Kagura waved her hand.

"You mean in 400 years?! I'll be nothing but a skeleton by then!"

"Hmm," they hummed in unison, walking away.

"Hey!" He called after, running after from while they giggled away. 

Sparring with Otae wasn't something he did often, but when it did, it was one of the best points of his day.

Although she kicked his ass on nearly every occasion, he's getting better! He lasted an extra 30 seconds that day.

Offering her hand to him, she pulled him up and patted him on the back.

"Good job, Shin-Chan! You'll beat me in no time."

He staggered from the force of her hand, but gave her a shaky smile. "Right, watch out!"

Even though she said that every time, it was still nice hearing it.

In the middle of Summer, he baked a cake. For no other reason than he wanted to.

His birthday wasn't for a while, but he felt like adding some pizzazz to everyone's day. Rummaging through the cupboard, he found various ingredients. Some of them the kind a witch would use to make a potion. Why Gintoki had these was a mystery he did _not_ want to solve. Jeepers!

It was simple: One layer, vanilla with white frosting, and pink and silver swirls on the sides. It was pretty obvious as to why.

He wanted to write something in the middle, but what? He pondered, before settling on something he knew everyone would like.

"Money!"

He wrote it in a nice blue-ish green, and smiled to himself. Perfect!

Some days, it would be hard for him to move.

Pushing the covers off, bringing himself up and defying gravity, crawling towards the bathroom, raising his hand to scrub his teeth. It would be hard.

As time passed, the bad days became few and far between, but they still lingered.

Change for him was slow and definitely not a straight path. He was a part of the Yorozuya after all; nothing comes easy to them.

In the end, all he can really do is move forward until he reaches the end.

And he was okay with that. 

With the sky a soft orange, the stars starting to sleep in his wild city, and the leaves on soft, green trees being caressed by the wind, Shinpachi awoke.

He sat up and stared blankly in front of him. Without his glasses everything was just a blurry mess, and in the dark even worse. But there was little rush to put his glasses on.

The walls were around him and were a nice brown. It was dark but not chilly. The dark was warm, in fact. Outside, it was warm too.

Everything felt calm and slow. He was sleepy and his eyes were droopy. 

However, as the sky began to form into shades of pink and blue, the sun bursting into his room, he got bored of sitting there. The darkness of the room was gone but he didn't think it mattered much. He yawned, stretched, plucked his glasses up, and started his day.

When he found his MP3 and plugged his earbuds in, Otsuu's cheerful voice greeted him.

And he couldn't have been happier.

**Author's Note:**

> There it is folks! Way too many words. Thank you for reading this far, I appreciate it.
> 
> Could you tell I didn't know where I was going with this :)? I wrote it all on the fly, little to no planning. Yikes!
> 
> 1\. The Spoon Theory is a way to organize how people with depression are able to explain their energy. They have a set amount of spoons spent on certain things, like brushing teeth, eating, etc., but it is limiting. I think I heard it on a tiffany ferg video (check her out), it's quite interesting.
> 
> I also mentioned Shinpachi becoming more depressed during the spring because while I do acknowledge seasonal depression, it's not something Shinpachi has in this fic and I wanted to highlight that.
> 
> If I depicted depression in an odd or false light, please let me know! I don't have diagnosed depression nor do I think I have any form of it, but I pulled in some of my own thoughts when I was near that state of mind as well as research. I want to learn more about it and portray it accurately!
> 
> Again, thank you so much for reading! I'm probably going to orphan this work at some point or another but yeah. Have a nice day <3


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